Seriously, Ladies?

In middle school, I was BFF’s with one of the popular girls starting in fifth grade, but by the time we got our periods, discovered boys, and started to have different interests, she emerged as a mean girl, and I was arbitrarily outcast. Simply put: I didn't make the cut. There was no room for me to be different and continue to exist in that circle. Joining an entirely new lunch table was nothing short of terrifying, and I was grateful to make new friends, helping ease that pit that lived in my gut every day as I left for school. 

I am amazed at how decades later, nothing has really changed. Put a group of women together, and the minute someone stands out as "different," she is bound to come out hurt, judged, ridiculed, picked on, ganged up on, talked about, teased, or scrutinized. Rarely do you find a group of women in complete and genuine support of one another. How sad is that?

When there are multiple women standing on the same landing, sharing similar aspirations, desires and ideals, there is this incredible sense of community and empowerment. But when one person shifts and takes a step in a different direction, quite possibly perceived as "ahead," look out. 

Seriously, ladies ... why does everything between us turn into such a competition? 

Although it is never easy to acknowledge - let alone admit - we have all been there. We've seen another woman move forward in an area of her life, and instead of applauding her, we find ourselves saddled with negative feelings. The truth is, those feelings are nothing more than an outward expression of our own insecurities.

When we put our cards out on the table, those insecurities stem from key, universal topics: body image, career, education, children, financial status, relationships, etc. Depending on where we stand with each topic - "Am I a success or failure at this; good or bad; worthy or unworthy?" - oftentimes determines how we treat the other women who come across our path.

Not only am I disheartened by this, but also exhausted from it. Nowhere in the rule book does it say that being mean, rude, snarky, smug, spiteful, arrogant, and/or critical are necessary when we watch someone achieve a goal, implement a change, or try something different. 

On the flip side, we must also remove from our thinking the idea that when we decide to make a different choice, act a different way, or explore a different direction, we have the right to flaunt it and shame those who aren't there yet. After all, the need to broadcast anything on our own accord is merely a cry for attention and validation. If the actions we take are motivated by proving something to ourselves, or to someone else, we are still functioning from a place of insecurity and unworthiness. That, too, will drive people away. 

Lesson learned: when humility and compassion are removed from either side of the "different" equation, people get hurt, and relationships suffer. 

What would the landscape look like if we chose to foster the good in each other, to validate each other’s worth, to acknowledge each other’s struggles, and to embrace each other's changes and differences? There is, in fact, room in this world for each of us. Let’s celebrate that fact! No matter where we are on our path, let's sit side-by-side and share a very important universal truth: we are in this together - maybe not on the same time schedule or with the same result - but in it together nonetheless. 

xx JN

Spring Forward

Call it Daylight Savings Time, or the fact that open toed shoes are just around the corner, but if ever there was a time I find myself deep in thought over change and renewal, it's at the beginning of Spring.

As of late, I have come to realize that often times the people around us don't like it when the word (or the act of) change enters the equation. Quite possibly because for many, people equate change with a negative idea: abandonment, ridicule, moving on, leaving, isolation, frustration, etc.

When Spring is blooming in the air, though, change is seemingly viewed in a positive light: evolution, growth, blossoming, newness, freshness, wonderment ...

So how is it we are ready to run through the streets with joy when the buds appear on the trees, but when the people in our lives are changing, we want to assume the worst? And furthermore, even mock, ridicule, or even step away from them?

This has happened to me recently, albeit in subtle ways, with some people in my life. I am now at a point where I can step away from it and acknowledge that it isn't personal, but it can still be tricky to navigate. It's easy to fall back in to old tape with people who have known us the longest. And it's equally easy to respond by pointing the finger out of frustration.

What if - when those moments happen - when those we love are trying to keep us in the same place - we actually respond differently?

For me, it has been a huge impetus for changes in dynamics over the course of the last year. I remember rattling on about how frustrated I was over a certain situation with a recurring pattern of behavior - and how "no matter what I do, it just always comes down to the same reaction."

That was when the question was posed back to me, "Well, how would they respond if you didn't respond the way you always have? What would that look like?"

Giving a situation or a relationship a new response comes from a place of love and respect - not only for the other side, but for ourselves. If you're feeling like you're stuck in a pattern and not sure what to do next, stop for a moment and think about how you can react or respond in a new, fresh way. In as much as we are sometimes able to "predict" what someone else is going to do or say, the same goes in reverse. I will admit it may not always be easy - and yes, the unknown of what the new reaction or response may feel scary - but it's worth it.

We have to allow those around us to rise to the occasion and exceed our expectations. When we do not, we are literally stopping the hopes of any evolution within the relationship - quite possibly because at the root of it, we are equally afraid of losing control of the reaction (remember, most people find change as a negative). Expecting perfection is one thing - I'm talking about an expectation that when we enter a situation with the best of intentions - and respond accordingly - the dynamics can change.

It's a lovely, wonderful surprise to see any relationship evolve past the status quo. In fact, dare I say, it is powerful beyond measure. Yes, it is quite possible for someone else to "get it" before we do! If that weren't the case, what's the point of learning from each other? Aren't we all striving to learn the same fundamental life lessons? But as I tell my 8-1/2 year old every day when she's frustrated at her division problems, we all learn things on a different time table.

When you look back over the course of your life thus far, what has spoken to you more: people who have supported you through the process of change, or people who have judged you?

Which person are you going to be?

xx JN

I Am Changing

One of the (many) benefits of living in my neighborhood is the breathtaking foliage. Park Slope is truly stunning that way. I can't help but wonder as I walk Woodrow everyday, if I didn't have a reason to stop and take it in, I would miss the nuances to the seasons and their changes. Because it is no exaggeration that a tree can be full of beautiful fall leaves one afternoon and barren the next.

Isn't that also true of life and its many changes? If we don't really pay attention, we miss the pivots, the nuances, the subtleties.

And when I speak of change - which ultimately leads to personal growth - I can't help but think of (and sing) this tune.

xx

Dress: LOFT / Jacket: personal vintage collection / Scarf: Trina Turk / Boots: Guess / Bracelets: Silpada & Tiffany & Co. / Ring: Silpada / Nails: Apertif by Essie
Styled by: Amy Keller
Photographed by: James Newman

Weekly Speaking: October 21st

{images by James Newman}

This last week I ...

• realized that being a gluten-free & refined sugar-free gal as the seasons change and holidays approach is harder than anticipated! I'm about to hit the 9-month mark, and have far less migraines to prove it. However, not being able to partake in homemade pumpkin bread and chicken pot pie is definitely a bore to my taste buds.
• couldn't resist making this recipe again. But now I've simplified it to just the chicken, stock, and green salsa ... and it is so beyond amazing.
• had an incredible appointment at Devachan - and my curls are grateful! Have you embraced your inner Curly Girl?
• participated in a live chat with Nate Berkus about his new book, The Things That Matter. I cannot wait to share more about it with you.
• saw the leaves really begin to turn ... and that magic never ceases to amaze me!
• watched one friend move away to start a new chapter in her life, and another one suffer the loss of a grandparent. Someone else lost a parent, another announced her pregnancy. One is dealing with divorce, another one celebrated an anniversary ... just like the seasons, our lives change. How do you deal with change?

I'm sending you so much love & light as we start another week!

xx JN

First Day of School

It is the first day of school here in New York today - our girl starts third grade at her amazing Brooklyn public school! As I was walking to an appointment yesterday, one of the private schools had posted a huge banner that proclaimed, "Happy New Year!" and it caused me to wonder why we only make (or at the very least, declare) our New Year's resolutions on January 1st?

We certainly are talking about New School Year's resolutions in our home - or shall I say - Jimmo is making sure to be up and at 'em earlier so that he & L aren't running down the block to school each morning. That resolution has meant that Mommy leaves the house earlier so there's one less Newman getting ready in one tiny Brooklyn bathroom!

I was reading through Louise Hay's Heart Thoughts, and came across a mantra I believe is worth sharing:

"This year I do the mental work for change" 

followed by

"Make this your new motto: "I go for the joy! Life is here for me to enjoy today!"

Louise talks about how in the absence of internal changes, resolutions fall away very quickly. She also says, "Until you make the inner changes and are willing to do some mental work, nothing out there is going to change. The only thing you need to change is a thought - only a thought. Even self-hatred is only hating a thought you have about yourself."

So as L starts third grade, I'm embracing this start of the 2012-13 year as a time to continue making my own mental and inner changes. Since my brother passed away in February, I have been diligent in trying to look at my life from a different vantage point, and by doing so, I have already found that my reactions and behaviors have begun to shift. Those "same ol' same ol'" patterns of the past no longer work for me. After all, my life and reality changed. But as I grow in my own year of learning, on my own path of personal growth, the growing pains of change are present. However, it is by going for the joy that continues to help me shape my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings, my outlook.

How you are going for the joy in your life? Is there something you are looking to change in your world?

Happy Thanksgiving Week!

Happy Thanksgiving Week! Even though we are already hearing "Jingle Bells" in the background, this really is the ultimate week to celebrate Fall, harvest, abundance and gratitude. (Alright, and pumpkin pie!)

Once the dishes are cleared from the table on Thursday, our entire world will shift to St. Nick, gift receipts and wrapping paper. It becomes a countdown to the end of the year.

But this week, let's remember that without Fall there would be no Winter. Without Fall, there would be no change. Without Fall, there would be no future growth. It is the season of transition. So let's salute it together, and then welcome in the next chapter.

Here's to a very special (short) week!

xx JN