In middle school, I was BFF’s with one of the popular girls starting in fifth grade, but by the time we got our periods, discovered boys, and started to have different interests, she emerged as a mean girl, and I was arbitrarily outcast. Simply put: I didn't make the cut. There was no room for me to be different and continue to exist in that circle. Joining an entirely new lunch table was nothing short of terrifying, and I was grateful to make new friends, helping ease that pit that lived in my gut every day as I left for school.
I am amazed at how decades later, nothing has really changed. Put a group of women together, and the minute someone stands out as "different," she is bound to come out hurt, judged, ridiculed, picked on, ganged up on, talked about, teased, or scrutinized. Rarely do you find a group of women in complete and genuine support of one another. How sad is that?
When there are multiple women standing on the same landing, sharing similar aspirations, desires and ideals, there is this incredible sense of community and empowerment. But when one person shifts and takes a step in a different direction, quite possibly perceived as "ahead," look out.
Seriously, ladies ... why does everything between us turn into such a competition?
Although it is never easy to acknowledge - let alone admit - we have all been there. We've seen another woman move forward in an area of her life, and instead of applauding her, we find ourselves saddled with negative feelings. The truth is, those feelings are nothing more than an outward expression of our own insecurities.
When we put our cards out on the table, those insecurities stem from key, universal topics: body image, career, education, children, financial status, relationships, etc. Depending on where we stand with each topic - "Am I a success or failure at this; good or bad; worthy or unworthy?" - oftentimes determines how we treat the other women who come across our path.
Not only am I disheartened by this, but also exhausted from it. Nowhere in the rule book does it say that being mean, rude, snarky, smug, spiteful, arrogant, and/or critical are necessary when we watch someone achieve a goal, implement a change, or try something different.
On the flip side, we must also remove from our thinking the idea that when we decide to make a different choice, act a different way, or explore a different direction, we have the right to flaunt it and shame those who aren't there yet. After all, the need to broadcast anything on our own accord is merely a cry for attention and validation. If the actions we take are motivated by proving something to ourselves, or to someone else, we are still functioning from a place of insecurity and unworthiness. That, too, will drive people away.
Lesson learned: when humility and compassion are removed from either side of the "different" equation, people get hurt, and relationships suffer.
What would the landscape look like if we chose to foster the good in each other, to validate each other’s worth, to acknowledge each other’s struggles, and to embrace each other's changes and differences? There is, in fact, room in this world for each of us. Let’s celebrate that fact! No matter where we are on our path, let's sit side-by-side and share a very important universal truth: we are in this together - maybe not on the same time schedule or with the same result - but in it together nonetheless.
xx JN
